In Which Ontario Parks Effs Me Around

So, it's been a week since my last post, and I've got to say, I've not experienced a lot of success in my outdoor endeavours.

Last Sunday, shortly after posting my first article, I went to Gatineau Park and attempted to take a trail with a friend of mine near Kingsmere. This proved highly unsuccessful as we were accosted by a shambling, sliding horde of cross country skiers. Apparently, many of the trails in this section of the park are reserved solely for these spandex-clad snow warriors, whose grimacing face and surly disposition are surely due to their deep seated desire to be at one with nature (and not at all a result of the desperate attempt of spoiled government workers to work off the stress of being shackled to their ergonomic swivel chairs all week long). Despite the sarcastic directions of park staff and the somewhat-heated encounters unfriendly fellow park goers, we did manage to find trail which offered a rather pleasant stroll, although not the sweat-inducing hike I was hoping for. Herman seemed to enjoy himself, but Herman is usually pretty happy anywhere there's snow and sticks.

After that largely unsatisfying experience, I decided to up the ante a little this weekend and head out towards Frontenac Provincial Park, recommended to me for its fabulous winter camping and good trails by a friend. I piled into the car with a big thermos of coffee and a bag full of treats for Herman and sped off down Highway 7. However, map quest led me a bit awry, and I could not seem to locate the entrance to the park, despite stopping and asking several locals, who seemed as clueless as I was; what I couldn't find was Desert Lake Road, and the irony of not being able to find a "desert lake" is not lost on me. You would think that Ontario Parks might want to, I don't know, put some signs up or something, but apparently part of the fun of Frontenac is driving in circles for an hour through some lovely but largely empty country side on Highway 38.

Frustrated but not defeated, I went for plan b- Bon Echo Park, about 50 km South East of my original destination. I have been there on several occasions in the summer time and the park is beautiful, well known for it's Native American pictographs and lovely day trails. When planning my trip to Frontenac I had also selected a trail in Bon Echo, visiting their website and checking out the trails to ensure I knew where I was going, and decided that I would take Loop 2 of the Abes and Essens trail, just in case I encountered a problem (which of course I did). Survival skills 101- always be prepared for an emergency. So I cranked up The Dears on my radio and sped off on a bit of a back track, then headed back down Highway 7 to refuel at Kaladar. It is worth noting that the bathroom at the Kaladar gas station is the only one I have ever been in that has a vending machine for lube and sex-toy "surprises" (does getting the clap from a toilet seat a "surprise?") but does not offer tampons.

Thirty minutes and 45 dollars of $1.15/L gas later, I arrived at Bon Echo Park... or rather, the unplowed, gated entrance to Bon Echo park and a big red sign which read CLOSED: NO ENTRANCE.

Do me a favour. Go here and tell me where the hell it says PARK CLOSED FOR THE WINTER.

http://www.ontarioparks.com/english/bone.html

Can't find it? That's because it DOESN'T.  In fact, when you search for Bon Echo, several sites make much of it's great ungroomed cross country ski trails and snow shoeing. The park also has yurts, which are traditionally used for winter camping. In fact, the only way one could possibly tell the park is closed would be  if you went to the parks locator and search for parks which offer hiking in the winter and noted that Bon Echo does NOT appear on the results list (which I did after the fact). For all intents and purposes, one would believe the park to be open. Even standing there in front of abandoned office, the door obscured by nearly a foot of snow, I believed there surely had to be an error here some where. So I got back in the car after letting Herman (who had been so patient during this little sojourn) out for a piss and back tracked (again) to the little town of Cloyne, just outside of the park.

I stopped in at a greasy spoon and asked the waitress if there was another entrance I didn't know about. A nice couple sitting at a table behind me eating from plates of over-easy eggs and home fries informed me (as the waitress was utterly clueless) that no, there was not, and that further more the park used to be open all winter and had only this year closed for the entirety of the season, and that I was not the first person to drive into the park a happy camper and drive out through Cloyne a not-so-happy-camper.

Frustrated, with four hours now behind the wheel, I had no choice but to turn around and head home. I stopped at two small parks - Sharbot and Silver Lake- along Highway 7 and walked around the very limited trails on the grounds there, but they too were empty, abandoned and- in the case of Silver Lake- creepily silent. Herman didn't seem to bothered- once again, there was snow and sticks- but I can't help but feel Parks Ontario owes me some free passes this seasons for the drive, time lost and gas wasted.

If you like to Cross Country Ski and you live in the Ottawa area, you should definitely check out the park, although I do warn you that if you give me even a fraction of the attitude I received on my last visit there, I will take your little ski pole and make myself a cross country kebab.

 http://www.canadascapital.gc.ca/bins/ncc_web_content_page.asp?cid=16297-16299-10170&bhcp=1&lang=1

If any one can find this park, do let me know:

http://www.frontenacpark.ca/

Hopefully my next adventure goes more smoothly. Or at all.

Pictures coming soon!

What Emus Have to Do with Everything....

When I was eight, I really wanted an emu.

I figured having an emu would be pretty awesome- kind of like have the most amazing dog on the block, except that my dog would be six feet tall, from Australia and be the only living member of the flightless bird genus Dromaius, distantly but not directly related to ostriches. I got the idea from seeing an ad in the local paper for a farmer selling emus (for meat, actually, although I didn't know this at the time) and figured I could probably learn to ride it or teach it to pull something like a donkey. I presented this plan to my parents, complete with research on approximately how much it would cost to feed said emu a month, a diagram of a house we could build for it in the backyard, and the various benefits of emu ownership. These benefits did not include any mention of the 6-inch long sickle-like claw used to ward off dingos in the Australian outback or their notoriously unpleasant temperament.

Despite this misleading and highly enthusiastic sales pitch on my behalf, my parents said no. I was thoroughly insulted- my plan was water tight, emus are awesome, and if we got two we could breed them and sell them like the man in the ad. I would even help to pay for it myself with my allowance. The answer remained no (and always remained, even when we lived on the farm and had a motley assortment of goats, chickens, cats, donkeys, dogs, cows and horses) and I was thoroughly offended by their criticism and out and out ridicule of my emu-related enterprising spirit.

When I got older, of course, I realized that having an emu for a pet is freaking ridiculous and that my parents were absolutely right to reject the idea (although this recognition does not stop them from bringing it up every Christmas). The Emu Debacle gave way in time to such other schemes as catching a raccoon for a pet by digging a pit-fall trap in the garden, setting spring snares to catch rabbits using my mother's yarn, spear fishing for minnows in shallow water, and begging my parents to allow me to have cattail roots for dinner (they are thoroughly edible; there's no reason, technically, that wouldn't have worked). Later in life, when I was old enough not to want a pet raccoon (who am I kidding, I still want a raccoon...) and my parents could no longer foil my brilliant schemes, I did things like getting a motorcycle when I had never even driven a car by myself and taking said 250 cc motorcycle on wild forays for days at a time, by myself, including a several-thousand km trip to the East Coast where I slept in the ditch most of the way. While my crazy ideas were slightly less crazy as I grew up, I discovered that they were often workable if not practical... if I was prepared to put the blood, sweat, tears, money, time, effort and madness into it to make it happen. Whether it's a good idea or not... it's always memorable.

Which brings me to The Big Idea Adventure. What am I scheming now?

Well, I am a woman with two real loves : road-tripping and roughing it in the bush, and while I have experience with both, I have been looking for a way to combine them in the wildest, most ill-advised manner possible- and that's where the Big Idea Adventure comes in. In the summer of 2012, precise launch date pending, I will spend an entire summer outdoors, in the great deep dark woods, hiking, canoeing and backpacking the greatest, toughest, strangest, wildest and most beautiful trails in Canada's parks, from the most remote arctic in Nunavut to the rainy shores of British Columbia to the perennial favourites of Northern Ontario. And I will do it alone, with just myself and my dog, Herman, for company.

Obviously, this is not a task to be taken lightly, as the backwoods are dangerous, especially in the Far North, and this will involve a lot of planning and work – I've got to get into great shape, hon my backwoods skills to a fine point and plan this thing out to the very last piss break. You can follow my training, hear the stories, and participate in The Big Idea Adventure by suggesting places to add to my journey, equipment you think I might need, and sharing your own camping/wilderness adventure. The Big Idea Adventure is intended to involve the online community and be socially-minded, so feel free to contribute!

The precise rules of this expedition are still pending, however, the Big Idea Adventure will:

• Cover at least one park in each province and territory
• Be undertaken in an environmentally friendly manner using the code of Leave No Trace Camping *
• Be photo documented
• Result in a book
• Update every Sunday and, most importantly of all:

The Big Idea is a Big Adventure!